Always Been Beautiful

2018-08-10 22.19.48Typically, I scroll through facebook at a million miles per hour, barely skimming the mostly worthless pictures and posts.  I liked this quote so much, though, that I even downloaded it.

It seemed fitting.  I had written recently about struggling for so long to get back on track because I was coming from such a negative starting place, disgusted and angry with myself for gaining weight back, and how difficult it is to do anything to take care of me when I am furious with me.

Fighting through that was the only way I could find my way back onto my wagon and get moving again.  Instead of fussing and moaning about how much weight I have gained back, I focus on the steps I’ve taken recently to drop a few pounds.  I focus on where I can be if I stay consistent.

I want to be excited about this journey and where I am headed, not beating myself into the ground as punishment for where I have been. I can do this.  It may have taken a while to get that back into my head, but now that it’s there, I want to run with it for all it’s worth and see what I can accomplish.

Sure, I’m overweight.  I am out of shape.  But now I can look at myself and see what others see, what my husband sees.  I am beautiful, but more than that, I am smart, ambitious, sarcastic, willing to bust my ass to get what I want, will stand next to the ones I love with fierce loyalty, and capable of so much more than I even give myself credit for.

“You’re beautiful” has always seemed like a condescending, patronizing, head-patting token gesture offered to women as fluff to make them feel better, and I will never teach my stepdaughters that what they look like is the most important thing about them.  It’s another reason I like this quote.  I like the idea of working toward being faster, stronger, healthier.  There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be beautiful, of course.  I just want to be fit and bad-ass, too!

I also like the attitude of not dismissing and putting down who I was when I started.  I am only a few pounds away from where I started, so why would I want to disparage that person, that stage of me?  And even when I reach goal weight, why would I want to?  It’s still me, just at different weights.  I like the focus on improving who I already am, not throwing away an old me like trash and constructing a new me.   Who I am now rocks, too.

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Keli Roberts Ultimate Step

I knew I wanted to do a step aerobics workout last night, but I felt finicky and was bored with the DVD’s I have already.  I turned to YouTube for enlightenment, searching step workouts, and one caught my eye.  It looked vaguely familiar, like an old friend I haven’t seen since high school:

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As soon as I started the workout, Keli Roberts Ultimate Step Workout, I knew I had done it before, just so long ago that I barely remembered it.  I distantly remember owning it on VHS tape.

The background set remains perplexing to me: why did she want it to look like they were doing step aerobics just outside the barn doors on some western ranch, at sunrise?

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Odd set aside, it’s about 45 minutes of sweaty hard work, broken into 3 sections that progressively get more intense.  Modifications are offered to make the workout easier or harder, based on your level of fitness and comfort.  The choreography is mostly basic, but I admit I got turned around a few times and may have cussed at the video and offered a few crude hand gestures until I caught up.  Luckily, that didn’t happen more than once.  Or twice.  Who was counting?

Keli Roberts is to-the-point and all-business in this workout, no jokes, no witty banter, no guffaws with her fellow workout mates.  That makes the workout a bit dull sometimes, and it could use some better music, but hey, this thing was made in 1998, people.  Let’s just be glad there are no grunge t-shirts, butterfly hair clips, or flannel shirts tied around their waists.

My calves are sore this morning from this workout, so obviously it worked my muscles pretty good.  I recommend it…especially if you have always dreamed of performing step aerobics on a ranch at sunrise.  (Who hasn’t?)

Six Pounds!

I was shocked when I stepped onto the scale Saturday morning: I had lost 6 pounds!  How was that possible? I jumped off the scale and back on just to double-check, and sure enough, it’s official: I am 6 more pounds down.

For anyone worried that I am starving myself or doing anything wacky to lose weight, hey, relax.  It must be a mix of dropping water weight from prior gains, plus the result of more intense workouts this week, and cutting back on snacks and soda.  I know I won’t have a big drop like again next week (wouldn’t it be nice, though?)  But I am still excited and happy about it, and quite pleased to see those pounds gone!  See ya!  Don’t come back!

I am now at 203.4, with just under 3.5 pounds to go to kiss the 200’s good-bye.  For good, this time!  Yeah, I’ve said that before.  I know.  I can’t keep doing the lose-gain-lose-gain dance, though.  I can’t do it to myself anymore.  I need to stay focused and finally lose these pounds for the last time.

I had a very active weekend that flew by.  I am more sore from yard work and manual labor than I am from my workouts, but either way burns calories, right? I got to enjoy a little down time yesterday evening, just hanging out with my husband and my stepson, and we stayed up as late as we could before we had to admit defeat and face facts: the weekend was over, and it was time to rest up for another work week.

I am psyched up and hyper-motivated by my weight loss this past week.  I know I won’t drop another six pounds this week, but I am aiming for two!

Starting Over Today

I skipped weigh-in last weekend, and I struggled to get back into the groove of things after a nice vacation.  I stepped onto the scale Saturday morning anticipating a pretty big gain, but I was surprised: yep, it was a gain all right, but not even a pound.  I gained 0.8 pound over 2 weeks.

So…my official starting-over weight is 209.4.  I hate that I am still over 200 pounds, but I swear I won’t be for long.

I believe a huge part of my problem with not being to get my act together for so long was that I was coming from a place of anger, disgust, disappointment.  I was so frustrated with myself for gaining weight back that it made it difficult to do anything to take care of myself and move forward.  How am I supposed to take care of myself when I want to bitch-slap myself into next month for being so stupid?

I can’t say I don’t still feel embarrassed or disappointed about having to re-lose this weight AGAIN, but I feel like I’ve shaken off much of the anger and negative feelings about myself.  Yeah, I gained weight, and that sucks.  But I also made some pretty big strides at work recently; I make a mean cheesecake (not helpful in the weight loss department, but still a good trait); I’m a kick-ass stepmom; I have an awesome, supportive husband; my cats think I am the bomb (and their opinions matter more than most people’s); and when I set my mind to do something, you better believe it gets done.

I am fully capable of doing this.  I have no doubt of that.  I have been holding myself back.  Time to turn myself loose and get to work!

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